Testimony

(This was originally posted on my MySpace blog September 6, 2009. I'm reporting it here because MySpace is a gamers paradise and honestly, who logs into MySpace anymore? Lol!)

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me, come, and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (NIV)

In order to prosper you must believe that whatever has happened to you has happened for a reason. God does not let us suffer in vain. I did not realize what Jeremiah was talking about until I was 17 years old, but the journey of learning the truth in these words began just one week before my 13th birthday.
I grew up in Indiana, number 5 of 11 children in a Christian home. I accepted Christ at the age of 10 but that conversion was more superficial than spiritual. Being 1 of 11, it seemed that each of us thought it important to establish ourselves as unique. For me, I relied on my aggressive nature and sought to be the best at anything that I started. This drive allowed me to learn of great deal of about car engines, it allowed me to enjoy bike riding as an aggressive method to release energy, I learned the fundamentals of carpentry work when rebuilding our house after a fire, and it drove me to working in the nasty corn fields for a summer job. These hobbies and skills that I started to enjoy before the age of 13 became my sanity foundation after my 13th birthday.

Similar to most young adults and teens, the crossroads of my life were my early teen years. I had no idea that my friendship with one person would so dramatically affect my life. A casual friendship that was born in the cornfields of Mid-West Indiana would start a chain of events that forever shaped my character, my will, and my life. The experiences rendered to me through my friendship with Maggie challenged my faith in God and my ability to trust even myself. I had to learn what courage was and apply it to my walk with God.

My personal experience has taught me that men tend to rape for at least one of three primary reasons. The first rationale is their desire to control a non-consenting victim. Secondly, they are acting out anger or hostility. Finally, a rapist may gain sense of accomplishment and self-worth by degrading another human being. Each rapist is unique. Every rapist is an individual with individual motives and drives. Commonly, a rape is not about a sexual act but of domination.
All three of these reasons were present in my personal situation. My rapist had a desire to control me, a non-consenting victim, in a very powerful and abusive manner. He also seemed to be acting out anger or hostility in his acts. This was evident especially in his physical abuse of his stepdaughters in front of me. Finally, he seemed to enjoy the act of rape not as a pleasurable sexual experience, but as a challenge in which he prevailed. I was an object to be conquered and he felt he could conquer me emotionally and physically. He was driven to succeed, not driven by a sexual desire.

It would have been easier for me to accept the reality of having been raped had it been about sexual pleasure for him, not simply a challenge. I allowed myself to believe that I was weak and I allowed the rape to happen. I began to convince myself I allowed it with thoughts such as: If only I had stood up to him, or if only I had shown how tough I really was that night. The if onlys and maybe ifs continued for years. They dominated every aspect of my life. I tried to commit suicide 13 times that I can remember, abused my siblings, tried killing my mom, constantly beat up my dad, and caused many problems at school. I didn't tell anyone about being raped for two years. My only safe outs in life were working on cars, bike riding, and construction work. With cars, you can get mad at them and they just sit there and take it. You start with a problem and are able to diagnosis and repair the problem without relying on someone to do it for you. Bike riding became my best mode of transportation. It allowed me to flee from any situation that I wanted to. I was able to ride for miles and miles out into the country and yell at God without the fear of anyone hearing me and chastising me for it. Construction work allowed me to physically accomplish something lasting that made a positive difference in my familys life. At the time, I didnt realize that each of these sanity foundations also allowed me to learn more about Gods character.

I was ashamed, embarrassed and believed the threats the he had issued when he raped me. The police had run him off our property 2 or 3 times which only solidified my trust in his threats to do the same things to one of my other 6 sisters. I had finely told someone about being raped and the court proceedings began. Soon after, I had met Greg. At the time I was still struggling with the guilt, depression and self-blame. I personally had no desire to date anyone, as I had already been dumped by one boyfriend when he found out I was someone elses trash. God in His ultimate wisdom brought us together though I really struggled with trusting him. I was unable to allow myself to trust that he would not do the same thing to me. God was able to work on both of us in the years that we dated, broke-up, and dated again. However, it was not until I attended a youth conference in 1997 almost exactly 4 years after being raped, DC/LA 97, that I began to trust God with my situation.

I can't remember which speaker said these words that immediately impacted my spirit and forever changed my life: We have the privilege of knowing Jesus Christ. We are going to stumble because of Satan. The trials that God allows in our life are not obstacles of Satan. I had perceived my being raped as a hindrance of God not a trial by which to grow spiritually in and for God. In my humanness, I allowed Satan to use a trial of God as an obstacle in my Christian journey. I penned this letter to God during the remainder to the teaching that night in the LA Convention Center. This letter was the start of a long healing process.

Dear God,
I ask that you would help me to be able to talk to Maggie about you. Lord God, I am not going to be able to do this by myself. God, I just ask that you and your angels keep Satan from reminding me of what is in my past, the memories, the hurts, the fears, and the nightmares. Lord God, You and only You know how much pain is in my past and how much more pain is in my future. Heavenly Father, You know what I felt when that girl [guest speaker at the convention] told us about coming from a history of sexual abuse. God, I ask that give me direction for my life. God I love You so much and I thank you for sending Your Son Jesus to die for me. Lord God, touch me with your hand so I can stand up to Satan. Satan you have no place in my life. Only God and God alone can dictate my life. Lord God, thank you for your triumph over Satan. I thank you for your protection. Thank you and I love You. Amen.

Until that moment, it was easier for me to blame God and to cast all responsibility for the negative at Him. I began to realize that the trials I faced because of being raped were obstacles that God was waiting to remove for me. I had to learn that God in His wisdom was always waiting on me to yield to His will and perfect plan for my life. It took courage for me to allow God to take control of the situation. A true healing began that day as I knelt on the floor, sobbing, yet praising God for what He could do with my life because of what had been in my life. I began to realize that in a way I was a car engine. I had problems that God was willing to fix, but I had to yield to His will. I had to be willing to allow some of the old broken pieces to be taken away only to be replaced by new shiny pieces that worked far better. Bike riding began to give me an opportunity to praise God when before I would yell and curse Him. The peaceful and quite country taught me about Gods patience and perfect will. The construction of the house began to show me how God can take something charred and burnt and restore it to better than before.

I also learned that it took courage for me to trust Greg. Obviously, it paid off, as we have been married for 7 years now! Our relationship has not been easy and being married allowed the opportunity for Satan to revisit the past once again. Many times over, I had to remind myself of the promises of God. Isaiah 41:10-13 became a very personal passage to me as I struggled with my past and my present colliding on many, many nights. 10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 11All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. 12Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. 13For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
The events leading up to being raped and actually being raped dramatically changed my life and the lives of those who loved me. I will never be happy I was raped, but today I am thankful that God allowed me to grow in a unique way that allows me to reach out to other victims with total understanding. I pray that God touch each person that may read this, may you be the victim, a family member, or even a rapist yourself. Gods grace was sufficient for me and it is sufficient for you.